Miracle Diet Miraculously Works Miracle – Buzzwords Transform Universal Harmony
For some reason my doctor has this thing about preventing illness, as opposed to exclusively waiting for people to get sick, then charging them for treatment. A couple of years ago, my medical centre’s database sent me a ‘Dear middle-aged guy’ letter (I paraphrase.) “Give us some blood and we’ll predict your future.” (Again, I paraphrase.)
I gave the blood. Although, to be more accurate, I showed up and they took it. I had to show up in person for the results. As they read them out, I thought to myself that this is proof I’m even more amazing than I thought I was. Less than a 2% chance of a heart attack? I’ll bank that. And the 2% is probably just them covering their butt statistically. I was about to stand up, thank them and exit to applause (I presumed.) Hold on cowboy, we’ve saved the best for last. Let’s talk blood glucose. Why don’t you talk blood glucose – I don’t know what it is but it sounds delicious.
It turns out there’s a scale. 50 or more is actual type 2 diabetes. Less than 40 is cool. (I initially said “Less than 40 is sweet” but they said that was just mean in a blog about diabetes.) I was a 41. The nurse said 40-50 is technically termed ‘pre-diabetes.’ But 41 could be a statistical blip so let’s not get crazy. Let’s re-test in a while. A year later of avoiding the issue and figuratively wandering round with my hands over my ears going “La la la la la la la!” (Sometimes, literally doing that.) I figured that as a trainer, speaker and comedian, constantly travelling, sometimes with a suitcase containing kilograms of candybars – you know, for workshop prizes, that I probably ate most of those myself and I should probably not do that.
Last July I got re-tested. They tell you that if the results are fine, they won’t call. If the results are non-fine, they’ll call. I appreciate that many people have genuine health problems and genuine life-and-death test results coming through. I’m not dramatising my situation. But I do now have a greater appreciation of the Pavlovian effect of hearing the phone ring.
As at last July, I was a 43. Again, they play the ‘let’s not get too fussed’ card. But I’m a trend guy and I didn’t like where this was going. They said if it gets any higher, we should consider medication. I’m not a medication guy. I just told you before – I’m a trend guy.
At about the same time of the original test, I was writing a book called ‘Live Work Love’ about how to add ten quality years to your life. Having written it, I can’t actually swear on a bible (not written by me) that I’ve ever sat down and read it. I did a stack of research for that book and interviewed some smart people. I read it. I appreciated the irony.
I wasn’t fat and was gymming or basketballing 4-5 times a week. Inactivity wasn’t my problem, yet still my blood glucose was ikky. I didn’t do any additional exercise but I did stop eating stupid carbs. From July to November I religiously went over-the-top – definitely consuming no obviously sugary things, not any floury, ricey things. I still probably ate too much at times portion-wise and had the odd cornchip orgy. But, generally for those months, I was saint-like. (One of the good saints, not one of the many reprehensible ones.) I’m pretty sure I annoyed my family. From a non-chunky base, I lost 10kg. But, come December with Christmas and me losing interest cos I have a short attention span etc, I fell off the wagon a bit. January, I spent most of the month in the USA on a predominantly Denny’s-based diet. Did a lot of walking though. I gained none of the weight back.
On my return, I decide to get a re-test. Knowledge is power. I then discover than the test somehow magically can tell your blood glucose level over the previous three months! OK I think, my saintly months are off that timeline but my Christmas party and Disneyland churro period are on that timeline. (Note – I never ate a churro but I did inhale.)
A week goes by and I hadn’t heard back. Is this because my results are below 40 or because they’re being passed around the office out of morbid amazement? I call them…
Now, I’m a 39!!! (Totally appropriate use of exclamation points.) My first impulse was to eat 47 TimTams to celebrate. (Cos I’m worth it.) Then I wondered if I tried hard enough, could I get my blood glucose level to zero. If 50 is terrible, zero must be awesome, right? Probably, if you’re a piece of paper.
I’m not entirely sure what the moral of the story is. But I would like to share with you the photo at the top of the blog. It’s my entree and main from espnzone in Anaheim. I also had a pint of Stella with it. Those pulled pork nachos have cornchips of three different colours. Three! Say what you like about America but they put a man on the moon and who knows how many colours of cornchip they’re capable of, even if they can’t spell colour correctly? (The hotdog and side of fruit are my son’s.)
I think my points are:
- measure things that are important and that you can affect
- walk more
- don’t eat stupid carbs (if you have to ask what a stupid carb is, you’re a stupid carb.)